2015-01-07

             2015-01-07

                ‘Some folks call it Hell’ Billy Bob Thornton grunts it better as Slingblade in his movie of the same name, referring to certain aspects and circles of this Dog and Pony Show - his / in particular - ‘I call it / Hades,  uh huhh,’ this last  guttural (m)utterance impossible to type out and to do justice to /  at the same time, innit Johnny Mo.  You’ll have to videe the movie to hear it, ‘go check it out’ – What Would Jack Say, referring to the snowcat in Kubrick’s take on your The Shining , innit Mr. King –‘ and you’ll see / what I mean’, Hades is all / we gots.

                Impossible too perhaps, or at the very least irresponsible innit Electrified JC, to call certain aspects of this Dog and Pony Show – Cin’s / in particular – either Hell or Hades, when the temperature up on out on up on out on up on up outside the cindominium is minus 20 celcius, minus 35 with the wind chill, but still Cin will stick to his guns, sticking to our guns is all / we gots, when he’s required for the sake of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore (b) / (c) / (f) flog to describe what’s it’s like to be shuttled from one provincial government agency to the next, and be given the high hat at each, only for the sake of transferring / a driver’s license.

                ‘It doesn’t have much’ CIn said it better of his adopted home – ‘Ontariariario’ they used to call it better as kids, or ‘Onterrible’ – ‘to recommend it’ after the second government agency in as many days turned him away this after when he didn’t have / his passport as a 6^th (2^nd, well, 3^rd –id.) form of identification.  He will return for round three as he must, returning for round three as we must is all / we gots, but this endless bureaucracy is killing him, and him / a bureaucrat, innit Itchy, ‘all suicides’ the interior decorator character in Tim Burton’s Beetlejuice says it better, ‘return / as civil servants.’

                ‘I slept’ Cin said it better to a colleague better this after, of his method of dealing with endless / stress, ‘for twelve hours last night’, and so he did, the cindominium resembling nothing more and nothing less under these cincumstances as the National – ‘naked’ you used to call it better, innit ACG, ‘pygmies’ – Geographic photographs and now memes of the big ape and his BFF the kitty kat.  ‘Himself’ you call your roommate when he returns exhausted and falls down on the bed, innit Itchy and Scratchy, though at least these days he’s not reeking / of booze,  ready for a marathon night of avoiding his flailing / arms, after that is of course, the fappening.

                ‘That looks like’ Himself says it better now to your man Itchy the cat, as the endless trailers / trail, ‘a pretty good movie’, staring at the just recently-videed preview of Brooklyn’s Finest on the telee, ‘action / packed’ – ‘from the director’ the narrator of the trailer says it better , ‘of Training Day’ – ‘innit puss’.  Though CIn would never use the word in polite company, he borrows from Training Day when he calls you little monster his ‘tiggers’ as Denzel Washington’s bad LAPD lieutenant called Ethan Hawke’s rookie character in the same with the ‘N-Word’ as it’s now / known, action / packed is all / we gots.

                ‘A lot of people deserve a chance’ the school counsellor says it better in this movie, lecturing the spoilt white-girl senior looking for money, ‘and never get it.  That’s your first lesson’ she ends / the lesson, ‘and it’s free.’  We’ll see how well the rest of the film acquits itself after this cinauspicious start, seeing how well the rest acquits itself after this cinauspicious start is all / we gots.

                ‘That’s a lot’ our heroine’s BFF tells our heroine after learning that our heroine owes twelve thousand dollars, ‘of blowjobs’, and there goes / that horroreview.  Turns out, not for the first or last time, that Cin has already videed and / or horroreviewed this one, it’s about two lily-white protagonists who end up dealing dope over the summer to make mad money.  Movie’s watchable, ‘who’s your driver’ - the local goon akses our hero better after our hero tells him that he has ‘a driver’ but no car – ‘your mom?’, to which our hero replies ‘no’, unlikeily enough, ‘yours.’

                Dialogue is otherwise cinexorable, but heroine Eva Amurri is ‘fun’ - a fellow horroreviewer said it better about Lindsay Lohan aka LiLo – ‘to look at’, and she’s co-star Susan Sarandon’s real-life as well as on-screen daughter to boot, ‘bombs’ you used to call them better, innit lojack.  One thing’s for sure none of the people involved in the production of this film has ever saw the inside of / the stripey hole, all things cinsidered it’s why God invented the ‘mute’ button innit Electrified JC.

                ‘Stay’ Himself lied to his cinsellor better this after when he was aksed what was his new year’s horroresolution, ‘sane’.  ‘And’ his cinsellor added as he had to, ‘sober’, to which Cin dutifully replied, ‘they tend to go / together’, though this last / is debatable, you’re only staring at things with the rose coloured glasses removed is all under horroregime zero, son, ‘like’ a fellow-sufferer wrote it better, ‘an / animal.’  Cin truth his new year’s resolution is always ‘write’ - as it always has been and always will be  - ‘more’, writing more is all / he gots.

                ‘I don’t  need this rockin’ chair’ George Jones sings it better now in his song of the same name -  this WTFednesday edition of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore (s) / (b) / (c) slog brought to you of course by Grooveshark and the letter ‘G’, and your man George Jones RIP’ed the same day / week as you, innit perfesser - ‘I do my rockin’ on a stage / can’t put this old possum in a cage.’  Country music’s gots mad lyrics, mad lyrics is all / we gots, ‘an Eskimo needs a frigidaire’ is another line, ‘like I need a rockin’ chair’.

                And so on, ‘man doesn’t cease to play because he grows old’, Himself wrote it better this after in an e-mail to his uncle Ducky on his birthday, innit Itchy and Scratchy, and you know / the rest, ‘man grows old because he ceases / to play.’  ‘

                ‘Living and dying’ George Jones sings it better in his song of the same name, ‘with the choices / I made’.   ‘At a young age’ he sings it better of our favorite demon, our frenemy, our immortal / beloved, ‘I found out I liked drinking’, and then come some verses about turning his back on his frenemies and loved ones as a result of the demon drink, and then living / and dying / with the choices / I made, living and dying with the choices I made is all / we gots, this song another example of two lines encapsulating what this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs has been trying with limited success to impart in two / years or wtf, maybe it’s time we picked up the guitar, innit Itchy and Scratchy.

 

                Thank you for reading (t)his Take This Thing Back to Baltimore (b) / (c) / (f)log