9/19/14 Hulk-smash
‘Bring a pitcher every
seven minutes’ Rodney Dangerfield’s character says it better in Back to
School, ‘until someone passes out.
Then bring one every / ten minutes.’
Cin used to drink, and order, like that, but now he’s not ‘assupposed to
/ any more. ‘I don’t get physical’
Dangerfield says it better, when confronted by the football team, intent on
beating his son half-way into / next week, ‘I get / upset. And when I get upset’, he delivers the
punch-line as only he can, pointing to his bodyguard, played by one of the The
Godfather actors, Clemenza maybe or Big C, innit Big C, ‘he gets / physical’.
‘You shouldn’t have
taken on’ Dangerfield’s son says it better after the inevitable / brawl, ‘the
entire football team.’ ‘They’re not so
tough,’ Dangerfield says it better, ‘in my high school, after the football team
sacked the quarterback, they went after / his whole family.’ It goes on like this, it’s very funny, Cin
during various times / every cingle day of his life has been tempted to take on
the role that Dangerfield played in Caddyshack as the gauche developer –
‘you like acting’, his colleague said it to him better recently, and more than
a few country clubs have been visited, and Cin once took on the role of Ted
Knight’s Judge Smail’s nephew in that movie, polishing off half-finished drinks
at the end of / an evening until coming across / a discarded cigarette - ’I
haven’t seen this many dead people’ Dangerfield says it better in Caddyshack,
‘outside / a cemetery’.
Every once so often in
a lifetime, a movie gets videed on AMC - and is playing when Cin wakes up from
his 15-minute pre-Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and
Hulk-smashing nap - that requires the immediate attention of your humble /
humbled / humiliated horroreviewer, and Back to School is just such / a
movie. ‘Maybe you can help me’
Dangerfield says to the ‘poetry’ major in his hot-tub during his dorm party,
‘straighten out / my Longfellow.’ Cin,
an English major his own self, can appreciate lines / like this, appreciating
lines like this is all that an English major / gots.
What it is of course
is that Rodney enrolls at the same ©ollege where his son is enrolled, to keep
his wayward boy on the straight / and narrow.
All manner of shenanigans ensue, apparently the kid is on the swim team
or diving team or somefink, and Rodney pays all the coaches and judges for a
fair score and buys a new dormitory etc., all the while bedding the hot cougar
English professer, innit perfesser, hot English professeors is all / we
gots.
Everyone learns
lessons by the end – Sean Young pre-Blade Runner plays the son’s love interest, and Robert
Downey Jr. in his p®e-®egime Ze®o days plays his BFF – all interrupted by long
stretches of horrible ads, long stretches of horrible ads are all we gots to
allow Cin as always to lose no sleep after hulk-smashing away at this Take
This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and Hulk-smash while trying to watch
a good movie destroyed by horrible ads, all on what is surely ‘assupposed to be
a / pay channel ?
Course this isn’t the
only film that Cin’s videed of this TGIFF®iday evening, innit G. ‘Do you like’ Netflix akses him better,
‘violent / revenge films ? ’ – and here he is being cinservative, Netflix goes
way more detailed, but loses him as they all do by starting a sentence, any
sentence, with the familiar ‘hey, Cin’, ‘hay’ is the only reply to that failure
of an sentence-starter, and you know / the rest, ‘is / for horses’ – but the
algorithm is right, boy does he ever, enjoying violent revenge films is all /
he gots.
He refers of course to
the latest Liam Neeson vehicle, Amongst / the Tombstones. What it is is that a drug dealer hires
Neeson’s ex-cop to investigate the murder of the drug dealer’s wife / fiancé,
Cin is not certain which it is as he showed up 15 minutes into the movie, which
is of course 30 minutes after the advertised time, and after 15 minutes of
trailers and horrible ads. It was a ‘To
Thine Own Self Be True’ decision to go to the movie – you can do what you’re
‘assupposed to do under ®egime Ze®o, but you can’t do what / you want - and
traffic on O-Town’s Queensway was terrible, but somehow Cin knew that he could
afford to miss 15 minutes of the movie without missing all / that much.
And so it was, movie’s
screenplay went for ambiguity by having everyone involved in the mystery either
a drug-dealer or a d®inker or both. “I
wasn’t brave’ Neeson says it better - of the time that he was given a commendation
after shooting three gang-bangers and killing by richochet an innocent 7-year
old by-stander, all the while drinking for free at a cops’ bar - ‘I / was
d®unk.’ He retired soon after from the
force, and retired as well from the drinking / life, and vida lo©a, this a fact which itself ricochets around the
script and screenplay of the movie like Neeson’s errant / bullet. ‘Let’s finish this up, so you can go to one
of your meetings,’ the DEA agent in the back of the van says it better to
Neeson’s character after reading him the riot act about some sub-plot or
another, ‘and not / talk about this.’
Movie jumps the shark early and often – and
makes no bones about it – jumping the shark early and often – and making no
bones about it – is all / we gots, and ends the serviceable-enough script by
having a participant from one of the aforementioned meetings recite the 12
steps one at a time off-screen, as Neeson and the other characters violate them
one / by one on-screen, ‘crawling up the 12 steps’ someone wrote it better of
the same, ‘making / amends’.
Whether Neeson as the
star demanded these plot devices is unclear, though you can see that he has it
in him as a human being able to go all ®egime Ze®o on his own ass even as he’s
handing everyone else’s their own / on a platter - being able to go all ®egime
Ze®o on your own ass even while handing everyone else’s their own / on a
platter is all / we gots – but even Neeson as your hero (anti-hero ? ) by the
final scene (spoiler alert –id.) pulls
the trigger, even though according to the steps, he’s surely not /
‘assupposed to.
Cin’s about to get
into more trouble in this horroreview than he’s ‘assupposed to, so he’ll segue
cinstead to the third film of this TGIFF®iday’s trio of horroreviews, namely School
of Rock. Programmed evidently to
follow Back to School, this film too is very funny, and Cin will lose no
sleep by horroreviewing the film between painful long bouts of ads, wtf are you
‘assupposed to do during these long painful bouts / of ads, Cin has never
known, but cinstead he’ll horroregale you with a record-setting third
cinsecutive movie horroreview.
‘My parents’ the goody
two-shoes in the front row of the elementary school class, taught by the
pretend-substitute teacher played by Jack Black in the movie, ‘don’t pay 15
thousand dollars a year’, after Black’s character has assigned them the same,
as he’s ‘hung over, and I have / the runs’, innit Flash, ‘for / recess’, and
the kid’s, but the teacher is more right as he teaches his kids / to rock ‘ n
roll over the course of the rest / of the movie.
Black is good –
hopefully not the next John Candy or John Belushi or nanoo-nanoo (that’s enough
–id.) to take his frantic antics on-screen / off-screen as well – and the kid
actors play straight-men to his Svengali / Colonel Parker / Rene Dion pretty
well, though as kids they could do better just by playing / themselves. Jack Black of course has played this part
before, in Double D and the pick of Destiny or whatnot, where he plays a
similarly-frustrated musician, but he’s got pipes, and knows how to manoeuver
himself in a classroom full / of kids and musical instruments.
Good times, Cin played
in a Jazz Band in high school, and we were pretty good, innit AH, and Cin
learnt / a lot, the band went to competitions, and won the damn things. Course all the eleven-teen ladies just wanted
to meet / the band’s drummer, and in truth one of Cin’s many regrets up on out
on out on up out here on this Dog and Pony Show is that he was never in a rock
band, though of all the ironies of ®egime Ze®o – ‘ironicical’ Liam Neeson said
it better in ‘Among the Tombstones’ earlier this after while bonding with the
token black street kid in the movie, who later saves / Neeson’s ass and moves
into / his apartment - and there / are many, is that your humble /
humbled / humiliated narrator and horroreviewer and not-bad piano-player could
cinceivably throw in with some garage band or another that some old colleagues
and clients are in, up on out on up on out on this Dog and Pony Show, and play
gigs / occasionally, there’s hope / for us yet, innit Mr. Tanod.
Dude, these
pharmaceutical ads are truly / berserk, poor spokesperson has to go on and on
and on during the ad itself about side-effects, ‘suicidal thoughts’, ‘heart
attacks’ and ‘unusual / dreams’ – haha good times Cin gets these without your
damn pills, if you think your dreams and nightmares is harrowing while you’re
d®inking, oh my brothers and sisters, just you wait until you have them under
®egime Ze®o - these ads are a farce, Cin will not look forward to pulling the
cable next week when he moves back to / the cindominium next week, but pull the
cable / he will.
Cin goes on and on and
on about high school daze now, since his high school class is having its 25th
anniversary, like, next week. Events
like this previously would have required certain preparations – “I’ll join’ Cin
lied it better earlier this month, innit AH, ‘your Facebook / group’ – but now
he just / shows up to Things, ‘I am beyond’, Brando’s Colonel Kurtz writes it
better in the letter to his son in Apocalypse Now, and for the same
reasons, ‘their timid, lying morality,
and so I am therefore beyond / caring.’
Good times. He will go, though, as he missed his
College’s 20th year reunion - beyond that, he figures, with perhaps
the 25th year high school reunion grand-fathered in, ‘people will
be’ Cin said it better, ‘unrecognizable’ – and the school is 5 minutes by car
from where he works and lives / now, he has no / excuse. Note to Self / Dear Diary : join that
Facebook Group, ‘call ahead’ a relative said it better after Cin showed up unannounced as of late, admitting / defeat,
‘next time’, he won’t, and / there won’t be, one of Cin’s abiding principles is
the granny’s one about always being prepared for anything no matter what, if
someone should drop in, ‘be the same in the dark’ a Mormon on TV of all people
said it better as of late, it’s as good a slogan as any, ‘as in / the light’,
or is it worded / the opposite, hopefully you get / the idea, make sure your
bed is made, ‘willing to be crucified’ little Alex;s tormentors torment him
better in Kubrick’s take on Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange, ‘rather
than / crucify.’
Thanks for reading
this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and Hulk-smash.
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