2015-01-16 Ma©hines

 2015-01-16        Ma©hines 

 

                ‘We’re not machines, Sebastien’ Rutger Hauer’s replicant Roy says it better to toymaker J.S. Sebastien in Ridley Scott’s gret film Blade Runner, explaining the replicant qualities shared by Roy and his better / replicant half, played by a hot Daryl Hannah in the movie, even as Roy dunks his hand in a cauldron of boiling water to fish out / an egg, ‘we’re / physical.’

              To prove / the same, if only to / himself – proving the same, if only / to himself is all / he gots – (y)our man ©in the humble(d) narrator of (t)his Take This Thing Back to Baltime-moires and ma©hine was after waiting around the bus stop near work at 9:00 this evening, only minutes ago, in front of the Beer Store no less, in anticipation of an off-hours bus for to take him home to the cindominium, rather than hailing a $10.00 cab ride, for to punish himself for having to his own self been true after work this after, and going to videe a two and a half hour film that after half of that was no film / at all.

              ‘Some folks call it hell’, Billy Bob Thornton grunts it better as Slingblade in his movie of the same name - referring to what the three Little Piggies called ‘the other place’ in the Warner Brothers (Looney Tunes ? –id.) cartoon of the same name, one of a collection of cartoons videed by ©in and his freshman year roommate, and owned by the same, in College, innit Pigeon – ‘I call it / Hades’.  ‘Remarks’ Gertrude Stein upgraded Papa Hemingway better, ‘aren’t literature’, and if you’re going to have a title character like the one in the film that Cin just sat / slept - ‘and perhaps’ Hamlet hopes it better, ‘to dream’ – through who grunts SLingblade-style through most of it, you better give him better lines than the ones / you did.  ‘Nothing’ your man the titular character said it better in the movie, delivering the only line of many that drew a guffaw from Cin while answering his landlady’s concern that the dinner fish might be too salty for his taste, ‘can be / too salty.’  Wanna bet?

              ‘Enough’ the police captain in Curtis Hanson’s L.A. Confidential says it better to his charges in the squad room after they’ve been grumbling for a while about the news from the inevitable daily morning meeting as delivered by said captain, ‘of that’, and enough bad-mouthing of an otherwise perfectly watchable and much-lauded movie on the part of this movie reviewer.  ‘If you can’t say something nice’ someone’s granny once said it better to someone better, ‘somebody’ - another police captain, this time the SWAT team guy in David Fincher’s Seven yells it better into his helicopter walky-talky, uncertain of what’s going on below him as Kevin Spacey’s John Doe delivers the business end of Gwyneth Paltrow, what John Doe calls ‘your wife’s pretty head’, to Brad Pitt’s Detective Mills (Somerset ? - ed.), - ‘call ‘somebody’, and when it comes to bad-mouthing, Cin chooses, like Melville’s Bartleby the Scrivener, innit perfeser, not to. 

It’s just another two hours of his life that he’ll never / get back, ‘you just kind of wasted’ (y)our man the Nobel Lau®eate (!) Bob Dylan sings it better in Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright, ‘my precious time / don’t think twice, it’s / alright.’  At the very least these TGIFFriday stave-off the horror and loneliness movie horroreviews get Cin home but quick in order to Hulk-smash away at this Take This Thing Back to Baltime-moires and ma©hineuntil midnight,  innit G, getting Cin home but quick in order to Hulk-smash away at this Take This Thing Back to Baltime-moires and ma©hine until midnight is all / we gots.

Cinstead of course it’s time to be after reviewing another classic of cinema, this one on the short list of being made part of the Cindominium Permanent Collection up on out on up on out on up in here, ‘it’ll be on’ - the crusty dean in John Landis’ Animal House threatens it better to John Belushi’s Blutto and the rest of the members of Alpha House, and it’s a line that Cin’s heard threatened, and more / than once, and certainly acted upon by various haters over the course of what pass for his various careers, scholastic, professional and otherwise ‘cause haters gonna / hate that fouir-lettered word – ‘your permanent / record’.  He’s referring of course to ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’, Volumes III – V.

What it is is that our heroine Laura, a blind and / or idiot savant, is taking part in some kind of experiment at the local hospital.  Like your humble(d) narrator ©in – ‘you can’t spell humility’ Mother Teresa says it better, ‘without ‘humiliation’ (how dare you, the line is ‘in order to achieve humility, sometimes a great deal of humiliation / is required’ –id. Or words to that /extent ) and ‘you can’t spell ‘dishonourable’ Cin said it better this after to a hatchet-faced audience, chanelling Homer Simpson, ‘without ‘honourable’ – and like everone else on God’s green earth, innit Electrified JC, Laura has brutal nightmares, and the electrodes attached to her head confirm it.

When she was a child, either Laura and / or her fellow-patient in the experiment in the hospital, who share memories and / or eyesight with each other – ‘she sees’ the nurse says it better, ‘what he sees’ and ‘he sees / what she sees’, if Laura could that is, if she weren’t / blind – ‘hey vegetable, who’s your favorite singer’ the drunkard hospital Santa Clause akses the prone male patient better, whose upper skull is  exposed like a half-grapefruit and kept together by a metal / plate and glass dome, ‘Perry / Coma?’ 

Your man the vegetable / coma (hooker please , -id.) patient takes exception to this Christmas humour, innit Electirifed J©, and the drunk and abusive hospital Santa Clause is soon one of his many / victims.  ‘Have you been’ you aksed it better during our Forrest Hall Christmas Party those decades ago, innit JD, as co-eds perched and members of / the Posse sat on your knee, squeezing in between your beer and / your cigarette as  your beard fell below / your lips, ‘naughty / or nice ?’  ‘OH,’ the sign we put on your Santa sitting booth in the middle of the Binge-Purge dorm quad said it better, and then had you deliver / as lines, as opposed to the usual ‘ho ho ho’, though you got in a couple of those, as well, ‘OH / OH’.

‘You mean I’m not crazy’ Laura akses the shrink in the movie better, ‘for / an Airedale?’  Film jumps around a fair bit – this is Cin’s third viewing of Volume III, apparently there are two earlier versions that Cin has yet / to retail-therapy / impulse-buy – but manages to come full-circle, so that what makes no sense taken by itself manages to make perfect sense, managing to jump around a fair bit so that what makes no sense taken by itself manages to make perfect sense when it comes full-circle is all / we gots.      

From the looks of it, either insane Santa and / or Laura’s parents were kilt by an earlier version of Bad Santa back in the day, a feisty St. Nick who feigned a flat-tire in a flash-back, and then shot and stabbed Laura and / or her fellow-patient’s  parents when they stopped their car / to help, the whole nasty scene videed by Laura and / or her fellow-patient from his / her / their vantage point behind the tree nearby where he / she / they went / to hide.  Then, your man bad Santa  visits the local elementary school during the course of another flashback and is shot dead by a local police as he approaches the unsuspecting and open-armed second-graders, one or several of whom may or not have been Laura and / or her fellow-patient in short-pants, ‘the bastard son’ - another set of screen parents call another school-yard villain, Freddy  Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street versions I to VI – ‘of a thousand / maniacs.’

              During his murderous furlough from the hospital, your man brainiac assumes the outfits of his victims, going from back-less hospital gown to the standard Kris Kringle red-and-whites to a grease monkey’s outfit – ‘what happened to you’ the aforementioned grease monkey akses your man Bad Santa, upon espying your man’s odd head-gear, they will be of course his last / words, ‘a hair / implant ?’ – to Laura’s grandmother’s clothes (don’t aks –id.)

‘We’re not us / innocent’ the doctor replies, ‘we’re all guilty, of being stupid, and badly / designed.  Science’ he ends his tirade, ‘is our only / chance.’  Rest of the cast includes a Kenny G look-alike squiring around his sister Laura, and the actress who plays his girlfriend, who would later in her career play Naomi Watts’ character’s love interest in David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive in a scene that Cin has videed more / than once, sometimes in  s  l  o  w   / motion.

              Ricky, Laura’s fellow-patient in the experiment, has a final show-down, Micheal Myers in John Carpenter (and later a passable Rob Zombie) Halloween-style, with their psychiatrist in this movie, ‘we just can’t wait’ Laura says it better even while doing / just that, ‘for the maniac to come / and get us.’  Course Laura plays the Last Girl Standing role even as Ricky dispatches her brother Kenny G and Laura’s one-time frenemy but current BFF from Mulholland Falls.  

              Cours (y)our man Ricky is pretty ambulatory for a man who’s been in a coma for six years and has an aquairium on his head keeping his brains intact, but then again our heroine Laura is blind / as a bat, so it might be a fair final fight in Act Three of Volume III.  In the basement now, Laura hears voices in her head which tell her what / to do, Yoda to Luke Skywalker ‘use the force’-style, ‘use your mind’ recently-deceased Granny’s voice tells Laura, ‘like a lens’, using our mind like a lens is all / we gots. 

              ‘Is it live’ a wounded-but-not dead Kenny G delivers his final line in the basement now to an unimpressed Ricky, before shooting him with a shot-gun point-blank but only making / Ricky angrier, though it’s hard to tell given Ricky’s perpetual man-in-a-coma gaze – ‘it’s hard to play poker against someone’ a team-mate once said it better to CIn during CIn’s first and last poker game, ‘against somebody with no facial / expressions’ - ‘or is it / Memorex ?’ 

              ‘And a Happy’ your man Ricky ends the movie, addressing the camera and dressed for the final head-shot in full brain-retainer and tuxedo, ‘New Year’, all bit promising / a sequel, aka

              ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ Volume IV, ‘Inititiation’.  Vestron Video made these films, as well as Slaughter High, if the trailers – the same for both Silent Night / Deadly Night versions videed tonight – are to be believed, believing the trailers is all / we gots, and Monster Squad Forever  and My Bloody Valentine 3D, which from the looks of it is a little more higher end for the studio than / the others, ‘we’re ‘a have to rent those ones’ Cin said it better last night upon videeing these same trailers from his bed for the first (third –id.) time,  ‘innit, puss.’

              This version of the franchise starts promisingly enough, with a street-person carting his trolley (trolleying / his cart ? -id.) down the alley, only to videe a lady thrown / fall from an upper floor window, and then burn up on the street / below – cinternal combustion - before the credits roll, and Tosh the laptop protests that your battery is at 10 %, and it’s bedtime / for Bonzo, your battery is at 10 %, and it’s bedtime / for Bonzo - cinternal combustion - is all / we gots.

              Thank you for reading (t)his Take This Thing Back to Baltime-moi®es and ma©hine.