2016-07-12 pron

2016-07-12  pron

 

 

‘I think I forgot’ the L.A. p®edator says it better as Cin’s exit line to Neon Dreams just now, ‘to turn / the stove off’, your man the L.A. p®edator / photog®apher losing interest in his date, having just been told by the same, our p®tagonista, a naif come to L.A. to model because hot / as hell, that she turned sixteen, ‘last / month.’ 

 

Rather than hope that the film would turn itself around despite such b®utalist dialogue and subject matter, your humble / humbled / humiliated narrator of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and b®utalist dialogue and subject matter cinvoked plan G of the movie reviewer’s ©ode, namely Plan GTFO, and TFO / he gots, GTFO is all / we gots.

 

Good times, your man the director of Neon Dreams,  Nicolas somefink somefink Roeg, is of course an enfant te®rible of cinema, and admirably makes no concessions in his movies to mitigating the b®utalist dialogue and subject matter of the same, and as a result will lose no sleep over this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and non-®eview .

 

Cinstead, what he’s after videeing now and reviewing is your man Bertolino Bertolucci’s 1900, whose title is self-explanatory, it’s the story of some American and Canadian-cast actors playing Europuddings at the turn of the cintury (oh please hooker -id.), that is the turn of ‘the 20^th’ , innit monsieur debonaire, ’Ivanhoe’ your man Bart Simpson began and ended his faux-book review of the novel of the same name, ‘the story of a Russian man and / his tool’, the story of a Russian man and / his tool is all / we gots.

 

Course that’s why this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and ®eviews isn’t yet listed on ®ottentomatoes.©om, as far as he can tell a person has to videe the entirety of the movies being reviewed before having ®ottentomatoes.com assign his / her review either a cintact tomato i©on (good movie) or a splattered tomato i©on (the other) to reflect the same, either a cintact tomato i©on or a splattered tomato i©on to reflect the same is all / we gots.

 

No, cinstead this humble(d) reviewer of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and either a cintact tomato i©on or a splattered tomato i©on videes and reviews movies in the comfort of (t)his cindominium living room (oh please hooker it’s also the kitchen / bedroom / foyer, for there’s only one / room up on out on up on out on up on out on up on out on up on out on up on out on out up here in / the c©indominium -id.) and drinks 0 percint – he kids / you not it, it and his life both are one of Dante’s ©ircles / of Hell - placebee®s while he’s at it, videeing and reviewing movies in the comfort of the cindominium living room and drinking 0 percint placebee®s while he’s at it is all / we gots.

 

Good times, course he’s sort of sneaking in this edition of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and 0 percint placebee®s of this Te®rific Tuesday evening, because dead / ti®ed and because he was ‘assupossed to be videeing Neon Dreams even now, but made it back to the cindominium just before 22h00 and therefore just before the hour as a ®ule after which he no longer hulk-smashes away at this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and dead / ti®ed.

 

Here are your men the p®otagonists of the movie 1900 as eleventeen boys comparing sizes in the hayloft, ‘what every man’ Cin’s physio said it better this after as she took out a compass / ruler of some kind to gauge how high ©in is able to lift / his left arm these days (not / high) and threatened to ‘measure’ the same, ‘wants / to hear’.

 

Here’s your man the peasant cutting off / his own ear now in the film because punishment and / or revenge, ‘this’ Diane Keaton’s Kay Corleone says it better to Pacino’s Michael in one of Coppola’s The Godfather movies of the same, ‘Sicilian / thing’, this Sicilian / thing is all / we gots. 

 

What it is is that the peasants on the farm in the movie go on strike because horses are being introduced to their pat®on’s farm, fitted up with hay rakes and whatnot, making the peasants / ®edundant, ®edundant is all / we gots, ‘the strike’ the peasants (wait, what?  it’s what they call / themselves in the film, ‘he’s’ F. Murray Abraham’s ©oke dealer says it better of Pacino’s Tony Montana in de Palma’s Scarface  ‘a fucking / peasant’, to which the pat®on replies ‘yes, but he’ll break his fucking back / for you’) call out now as the one-percent farm owners luxuriate in their haciendas (that’s Spanish, numbnuts -id.) and badmouth / the peasants, ‘the strike’, the strike / the strike is all / we gots.

 

‘Shut up’ one of the puppets, playing a striking peasant, says it better to the other, playing the puppet pat®on in a pantomime staged for the benefit of the village children and this reviewer both, who’s struggling to keep track of the narrative of the film, ‘you bubblehead’, struggling to keep track of the narrative of the film is all / we gots.

 

Worst / ®eview / ever?  Wait, what, that’s a pretty big honour, there have been and will be far worse  reviews than this one before during and after the course of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and struggling to keep track of the narrative, at least this one is in / English, despite the introductions now in 1900 of your men a shockingly-young Gerard Depardieu and a shockingly-young Robert de Niro.

 

   It’s a good film and a good cast, here’s your man Donald Sutherland playing a fo®eman of some kind, ‘and it’s our fault’ a rabble-®ousing schoolteacher rabble-®ouses it better now in the pat®on’s courtyard as she protests the grim conditions of the same, ‘that so many of our children are born / dead’, born / dead is all (that’s enough -id.) we gots.

 

‘History’ someone wrote it better ‘is written by / the victors’, and here come the usual antagonistos of every Eu®opudding film, the Huns, the Ge®mans, or possibly they’re Italians, but either way they’re after carrying on / like Germans, ‘an elephant’ deNiro’s character says it better now to a fellow peasant as he rubs the shaft of his rifle up and down between her legs as they rest against a tree in the forest whilst hunting, and she complains about the same, ‘couldn’t make you / come’.   

 

‘Bolsheviks’ the head one-pe®cent Pat®one calls the ®abble-rousers better during the course of his and his fellow- 1 % pat®ones and pat®onessas’s meeting, held as we do in the local Catholic church of all places, innit Ele©trified JC, and then to add insult to injury the head 1 % Pat®one has his goombah son, played by Donald Sutherland, pull out the ©ollection plate and take money from the assembled pat®ones for their upcoming battle against the Bolshies and ®abble-rousers.

 

‘Someday you’ll choke’ Depardieu’s character threatens deNiro’s better now after deNiro throws money at the local bike, all three in her apartment, for licquer (licquor ?  Liquor?  I hardly / knew her -id.) ’on your money’, before accepting it, and then the three of them are after making the beast with three ba©ks in her bed, as naked in the movie as the day they were all / born, course Bertolucci is not known for his / prurience, not known for our / prurience is all / we gots. 

 

‘She knows’ the town bike’s (hooker please, -id.) neighbor / roommate says it upon being called into the apartment by Depardieu and de Niro before during and after their menage-a-t®ois, as the town bike goes / epilepti© on all of their asses, ‘she must never / drink ‘, knowing that (s)he must never / drink is all / (s)he gots.

 

This film may be set and take its title from the year 1900, but it goes soft-core p®on on us before during and after this menage-a-trois epilepsy scene, ‘are those your friends’ another beautiful actress of the period (1980-ish Cin will bet you dollars to doughnuts) akses de Niro’s character better as they’re carted around in a horse-drawn carriage even as the O©cupy Tus©any peasants of the era ride next to them leering and cussing, ‘they look / like murderers’, leering and cussing is all / we gots.

 

Thank you for reading (t)his Take This Thing Back to Balti-memoires and soft-core porn.