2014-12-04 The Conformist

2014-12-04                          The Conformist                               

                'I feel so good' the Italian lady shouts it better in the ballroom in Bernardo Bertolluci's ( little help ? –id. ) The Conformist, 'that I know in a minute I'm 'a feel / bad', and then for good measure shouts out to the assembled – a®seholed on g®appa - masses, 'ciao!'.  Story is about an Italian guy, played by a French actor, who screws anything on two legs, and pretends to be an upstanding citizen, like your man your humble / humbled / humiliated narrator of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore m-moirs and the ©informist, a®seholed / on g®appa is all / we gots.

                It's a good line, the opposite of Commissioner Gordon's 'it's always darkest before / the dawn' in Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy The Dark Knight , 'irrational' the Chairman of the U.S. Fed Alan Greenspan said it better of one of our neighbors to the Souths' economic / binges, 'exuberance.'

                Yes dear reader it's a Thi®stday in early December – and they never get any more or less / thi®sty - and the beginning of the silly season.  If Christmas didn't exist, innit Electrified JC, we'd have / to cinvent it.  'Busy' he aksed his cinsellor better on WTFednesday last - yesterday for Christ's sakes innit Electrified JC - already knowing / the answer, 'season?'  'Jumpers' was the first answer of the reply, and you know / the rest, mad abuse taking place of all kinds up on out on up on out on up on this Dog and Pony Show from here until the New Year, when we 'forget' - What Would Jack Say in Kubrick’s take on your The Shining, innit Mr. King - 'the whole god-damned Thing ever / happened.' 

                'You want me to leave,' Pacino's Scarface akses it better in the immo®(t)al Brian de Palma movie of the same name of his Colombian connection Hector as the two play the drug dealer version of grab-ass in the Miami hotel before the cinfamous chainsaw scene, 'and then come back in, and we can start / all over?'  'The past isn't behind us' Faulkner wrote it better, 'it's not even / past.'

                'It's funny,' the recording engineer says it better of the various acts up on out on up on out on up on out on this Dog and Pony Show who come and record their acts in his recording studio in this movie now, 'how everyone wants to be / different, but everyone wants to be / the same.'  This cinnocous enough remarks set off your man the randy Italian protagonist, who replies with a story of his own, the one about the little maniac who used to go on and on and on in the 'biergarten' when your man the protagonist's Da and his droogies licquored him up, and jump up on / the tables.  'It was' of course is the punch line, 'Hitler'.

                It's a good movie, Cin's on round 3 of 4 of trying to videe it now, his previous attempts having ended up in 1. falling asleep, 2. the fappening, 3. asleep again, 4. a no-distractions version of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and The ©onformist (he lies, it was playing as you hulk-smashed away some evenings / ago  -id.), ‘nothing ever great was ever written’ (y)our man the pre-eminent writer emanated it better, ‘in a room with a high-speed internet connection’ and 5. Before during and after pressing 'play' this morning when he awoke to see what it was all / about, 'what's' is his latest slogan - Cin uses it all the time now, along with ' attaboy' and 'attagirl' -id. - 'the haps ?'

                What's the haps, cindeed.  'Good art / bad life' the painter said it better, 'bad art / good life', or at least Cin better hope so.  His self is after hulk-smashing away at this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and The Conformist in his writing outfit, 'sweats !' - his cousins call out before during and after the dinner party proper is over and the real d®inking about / to begin, 'they used to put me in a cab', a friend said it better of those days, 'with a post-it note with my address on it' - and a t-shirt that has seen Cin through several (b) / (m) / (s) / (gl) / (mis) and just plain / adventures as of late, most cinfamously a night in / that dungeon of a stripey hole in Rutland, VT down in the 802, medieval really, and which he ought to be divested of, he supposes, but he keeps it around, before the real d®inking about / to begin is all / we gots.

                Course when you live in a cindominium the size of a shoebox, you gots no choice but to divest yourself of 90 % of your stuff, and this by design, though that slogan 'by design' needs to be used generously when referring to the days of the La(s)test Bende®, when Cin decided to purchase this ©indominium, on the spot, 'it must have been cloudy' your Da said it better after you bought your house, innit DD and your Da videed it for the first time, 'when you decided to buy / this place.'

                Still, it focuses / Things, living in a 600-square foot (seems generous -id, maybe 400 feet ? it's one / room), ©indominium, 'enjoy it ' Cin said it better minutes ago to (y)our men the ©indominium ©ats Itchy and Scratchy, 'while it lasts' as they hid under the bed after he cinadvertently stepped on Scratchy's tail even as Cin was rolling the new 'log' toy over on its side, this new log toy being Scratchy's favorite, he lays in it and gets rolled over when Cin flips it around on the floor, and will double as a straitjacket for when Cin clips your man Scratchy's nails next, a procedure which without the straight-jacket is a flat-out impossibility, even after Cin has been after combing your men the cats Itchy and Scratchy's fur with yet another cat toy the double-edged cat comb / catacomb (that’s enough –id.) before during and after one of their many morning / rituals, which almost cinevitably sees Cin arriving at work ten minutes late despite having gotten up two hours / earlier, (y)our men the ©indominium ©ats Itchy and Scratchy is all / we gots.

                Point is that unlike his room-mate at ©lub Midd, Cin is   a little long in the tooth to be living in a room with only a bed in it, innit Tripp, cinvitations like in their Senior Year Binge-Purge Forrest Suite should no longer require an explanation as to where his guest is 'assupossed to sit, other than on / the bed.  So it's a bunk-bed that Cin's after horroretail therapying next - either before, during or after 'a new' Bob Barker and Drew Carey shout it better on 'The Price is Right', 'car' - 'why do your adverts for $1000.00 bunk-beds' Cin aksed it better of the bed / mattress salespeople, whose booklet he has been perusing for 6 months now, 'only have picture of children / in them?', in answer to which he got no satisfactory / reply, though he did videe one with an older lady in it as of late, though she was resting on the bottom / bunk with her cane.             

                He could build one himself of course, innit Tripp, he did the same in the Forrest Binge-Purge Suite Senior (both of them -id.) Year(s), and save a grand.  But he is too much management now, and has to deliberately use free weights at the gym now to get the calluses that used to come haha naturally when Cin had real / jobs.  No he will horroretail therapy the local bunkbed from a local outfit cinstead, and maybe put it together himself if the installers are too / needy, putting it together himself if the installers are too / needy is all / he gots. 

                After which your men the cats Itchy and Scratchy will no longer have to / choose to hide under the bed and give Cin the high / hat, for the new bed will be six feet up.  Course this new horroredecoration will require no end of additional cat-condo type horroretail-therapy so that your men the cats Itchy and Scratchy can ascend to the new mattress at all hours of the night / and day, matter of fact Cin already has one similar to that, with all kind of cat cubby-holes in it (hooker please -id.) and which is 'assupposed to hang on a door, before Cin realized that 'I don't' as he said it better to Iron Mike as of late, 'have / one', a door / that is, horroretail-therapy is all / we gots.

                Course the high hat doesn't last long up on out on up on out on up on out on up in / the cindominium, there's no room for long bouts of histrionics, and if there's any truth in the slogan that humans and animals - 'manimals' Homer calls the whole assembled lot of us up on out on up on out on up on out on up on out on this Dog and Pony Show, in the 'Island of Dr. Moreau' take-off / Halloween Special edition of The Simpsons - what live together begin to resemble one another, then surely your men the cats Itchy and Scratchy like their roommate your humble / humbled / humiliated narrator Cin forget almost everything good and bad as soon as / it's happened, 'they had to' - What Would Jack Say about the Donner Party’s self-imposed amnesia in The Shining about eating each other / up, innit Mr. King - ' in order / to survive', though the opposite is also sometimes / true, did you hear the one about the Irishman with Alzheimer's, he forget everything except / the grudge.

                Nice run-on sentence, Alberto Salazar, why don't you calm / the fuck down and rediscover / the punctuation marks on Tosh's keyboard.  It's not as easy as all that, innit Itchy and Scratchy.  In our headlong and heedless rush to change computer operating systems and microsoft office suites and i-whatnots all the time - 'i' the shrine at the Mapple Store said it better after the founder RIP'ed, under a picture of the same, 'dead' - so too do the lay-outs of our qwerty keyboards go the way of the dodo. 

                Ever lovin' day he spends a cinordinate amount of time at work that four-lettered wo®d hulk-smashing and hulk-searching for all the characters on a keyboard, ever since ever computer was 'updated' to  Windows 7 and Office 2010 and wtf, and his keyboard at work no longer has question marks or forward slashes without elaborate counter-measures to make it / so (that's enough -id., it's a poor workman who blames / his tools).

                Course Tosh has all manner of special characters up on out on  up on out on up on out on up on its keyboard as well, and if Cin were smart and / or a programmer he would care, but after being outsourced not once but twice from that sociopathic industry, if he never sees another computer again in his life, it will be / too late, innit Tosh, except of course / for you.

                Cin got a taste of that former high life this after, mind, innit Iron Mike, when he visited the scarlett letter building to fetch the extra set of house keys from you, having forgotten his set this Thirstday morning after his elaborate 'behold the blogger / he riseth up early in the morning' horroroutine was cinterrupted for some reason - of yeah the cinquairium water level was low and required / a fill-up - and he left the keys cinside the cindominium when he left / for work, realizing the same the moment / he did so. 

                No biggie, that's why God invented / extra sets / of keys, innit Sherlock.  Cin took the # 14 bus - gongshow as ever, once his regular route - up to the scarlett letter building after lunch and picked up the spare set from Iron Mike, who didn't bother to cinvite him up to see / his office, probably as Cin has said that he would like to firebomb the place, and more / than once, but cinstead once wrote a 30-page story to that extent, innit perfesser – Ha®®owing - liking to firebomb the place, but cinstead writing writing a 30-page (3000-page more like -id.) story to that extent is all / we gots.

                And oh my brothers and sisters innit a full full moon this Thirstday-turning into TGIFFriday, like every Thirstday your man on the verge of going all John Landis’ American Werewolf in London to the strains of Van the Man's 'Moondance' in the English nurse's apartment - note to self, videe that John Landis one / next, though this Bertolucci (?) film The Conformist is a'ight, it grows / on you, your man's wife and mistress always on the verge of getting / it on as your man the protagonist plays nosey / parker in various Italian and Parisian locales, all the while also playing at being a secret agent / man - before another TGIFFriday comes and takes away / his pain, innit G.

                Course these Christmas parties are painful under horroregime zero, cintolerable and a waste / of $60.00.  E-vites are for a three-hour / three martini lunch, 'I'm on' is Cin's horroroutine line under these cincumstances, 'the wagon', this one borrowed from a Mark Wahlberg character and film of all things, your man Marky Mark a fellow-sufferer if the National Enquirer is to be believed, though unlike Cin your man Wahlberg actually gives back, visiting the dungeons and stripey holes where he used to be sent, and telling the people there to 'smarten up', if an article that Cin read about the visits and what Wahlberg told / tells the folks there is to be believed, smartening up is all / we gots.

                Cin will eat, stare a while at the comely colleagues - more likely the waitresses - id. - watch everone else get arseholed and maudlin, and then leave, either back to the office or up to Bank Street to horroretail therapy some fish for the cinquarium, four of whose most recent cinhabitants, 'jumpers' his cinsellor said it better yesterday of their human counter-parts during this silly season, innit Electrified JC, as we clebrate your birfday up on out on up on out on up on out on up on out on up on this Dog and Pony Show, and 'jumpers' the pet-store guy himself said it better when Cin bought the fish, neglecting to horroetail therapy a replacement 40-gallon cinquarium top (horroretail : $60.00 on sale) while he was at it to prevent the fish from doing just that. 

                Sure enough within a day one of these 'hatchet' fish - so-called for their ax-like appearance - jumped, followed within the week by the remaining three, to be wrapped in a Lysol wipe and read the last sailor rites of the sea by Cin as is his wont after losing / a sailor (fish -id.), 'to a watery grave you go' he ad-libs solemnly during these funerals as your men the cats Itchy and Scratchy look on, licking / their ©hops, though the actual verse he hulk-smashed away in a recent edition of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and The Conformist as of late is more florid - ending with something along the lines of 'when the sea will one day return to claim / her own', licking / their ©hops is all / we gots.

                Good times, it's as good a slogan / as any, innit Electrified JC.

                Thanks for reading this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and The Conformist .