2024-04-20 Abigail
What it is in Abigail is that
(y)our (wo)man-©hild the titular character is of course not only / a vampi®ess
– ‘a balle®ina’, (y)our (wo)man the hacke® character played by Kathryn Newton GD
corrects us all better in the film, innit G, ‘vampi®e’(ss) – but ©aptain Howdy
/ to boot, ‘Beezlebub’ one of the other ®oad-kill ©ha®a©ters, part of a group
of kidnappers who evidently picked the w®ong / kid to nap, tries and fails to
(wo)mansplain little Abigail’s o®igin story better, the ‘vene®able’, (y)our man
the narrator in The Devil Rides Out, that audio tape that we would be
after audeeing quarterly back in the 20th be©ause limited options
back then, ‘lessen it was a ®oad t®ip to O-Town and the ©ineplexs on Ca®ling
Avenue before during and after a meal at the Swiss Pidge if we were lu©ky that
we would be after enjoying, mansplains the anti-he®o and beast of that tale
better, ‘goat / of Mendes’, ‘Lou’, (y)our man Robert de Niro in the movie Angel Heart
introduces himself better as the devil that five-lettered wo®dle to Mickey
Rourke’s Johnny Angel, ‘Cypher’ be©ause Lu©ife®, lu©ky is all / we gots.
‘Quebe©’ those responsible for the high-ly
entertaining Abigail – yesterday’s TGIFF®iday after high having been
indu©ed as we do by the usual delivery method of an after-wo®k and pre-movie
©racke® rolled / and smoked round / back along the length of the t®ash-st®ewn
back alley of the theatre(s), ‘roll me up’, (y)our (highway)man Willie Nelson croaks
it better in his Death Row Meal dirge of the same name, ‘and smoke me’, the seconds / to spare before
during and after the announced start time of the film at the ©ineplex In©. Sta®©ite
©inema(s) in the City formerly known as Hull, or just ’Ull’ as we used to call it
back in the 20th , innit Itt, be©ause the genius(es) who decided to
call it / that after some English Gene®al back in the 18th never
took into account the fact that the French language and phonetics both do not
easily follow an ‘h’ by a vowel that five-lettered wo®dle be©ause silent / p®onun©iation and all / that, and
before during and after it got amalgamalgalamalgamated into ‘La Ville de
Gatineau’ be©ause woke that four-lettered word, innit G – call the big oaf of a
kidnapper in the film for short be©ause Quebe©ois in the movie, and as
played / well by the ©anadian actor
Kevin Durant, based on the fact that the character is a Belieb-er (hooker
please, -id.) and who crosses himself before during and after coming across the
latest of Abigail’s ca®©asses and familia®s in the movie mansion as we do, ‘my
name is William’, (y)our man the diminutive-but-much-ma®®ied actor Mi©key
®ooney ®IP said it better, ‘Bill / for sho®t’ in that three-hankie tear-je®ker
of a television movie of the same name that we
used to re-enact and mock both morning noon and night back in the 1970s, innit
GF, because ®eta®ded (wit©h please, -id.), the movie’s hero and namesake and us
/ both, amalgamalgalamalgamated is all /
we gots.
Course there’s other ®oadkill
and familia®s – ‘Twilight’, (y)our (wo)man the geek(ess) character played by goddess Kathryn Newton (that’s
enough, -id.), innit god(dess) calls one of her f®eshly-bitten co-ho®ts and
fellow-kidnappe®s better in the film be©ause millenial, and ‘Noste®aftu’ – to
be dispatched by the eponymous character before during and after the course of
the three-course feast which is / Abigail, the fourth course of which
(y)our man ©in the humble(d) narrrato® of (t)his Take This Thing Back to
Balti-emoi®es and Abigail had to forego of course be©ause nearing
the hour of what passes for a dinner / date these days at nineteen-hundred
hours and 30 minutes away from La Sta®©ite, featuring (y)our (wo)man and his
housemate the(ir) Ma Noslou©, and the third pa®ty at the house these days and
decades, (y)our (wo)man H®isSue, and also he swears / to God that the movie was
longer than the 90 minutes advertised at filmcan.com, innit god, seeing as you
check the length of these things before during and after choosing to grace /
the local ©inemas with your presence, and always choose an aisle seat
be©ause nine times out of ten for self-preservation ®easons you have to GTFO
the theatre before during and after the fourth course, and even / earlier if
you’re How Does It Feeling any measure of self-respect that day, for knowing
that you just wasted two hours of (y)our life that you’ll never get back but
subjecting yourself to it anyway, (y)our How Does It Feelings is all / we gots.
Along with Durant’s ‘Quebe©’
– who’s eventually given / a different nom-de-gue®®e in the film by the head
kidnapper as played by (y)our (English)man the a©to® Dan Stevens, recently of Go®zilla
vs. Kong / the movie ©infamy and previously of the BB© television’s Downton
Abbey ©infamy (don’t / aks, it’s one of the things that (y)our man ©in now /
knows and cannot ever unknow before during and after the days / and decade(s)
of (t)his ©OVID age and all of the television-watching that it’s / incurred) along
with the rest of the c®ew be©asue apparently no one knows / each other and no
one wants / to and who can blame them, and going in©ognito á la Tarantino’s Resevoi®
Dogs, innit A©G, calling each other ‘Mr. Pink’ and Mr. Bla©k and all / that
be©asue ®acist, and in the case of Abigail all the nom-de-gue®®es are
from the ®at Pa©k be©ause all kidnappers is ‘®ats’ , and all / that - there’s
‘Frank’ for Sinatra and Dean for Martin and even ‘Sammy’ for Sammy Davis Jr.
be©ause ®a©ist, though the line / lands when (y)our man the terrific Bla©ktor
(hooky please, -id.) Giancarlo Esposito of the television series Homi©ide fame
is given it by Stevens’ head-kidnapper in the nom-de-guerre-giving scene in the
movie, seeing as he delivers it / last, and it’s timed / well, and Esposito’s
character, who in the end of Abigail or anyway before during and after
one of the movie’s (too too) many many eleven o’clock numbe®s (they’re the sore
spot of this movie and (m)any number of others be©ause too / mu©h and playing
with the audience’s How Does It Feelings) spoile® ale®t is also Abigail or her
famila® Lestat or whatever be©asue ©aptain Howdy, delivers a solid / ®iposte
which (y)our man ©in missed at the time, possibly be©ause high that
four-lettered word, ©in©ognito is all / we gots.
Course sometime you gots to
GTFO the ©inema before during and after the eleventh eleven o’©lo©k number of
the film be©asue elevenseseses and dinner / dates, and the film maker’s
decision on having the last three characters battle it / out to be the Final /
Gi®l of the movie is one / too many – ‘there is’, (y)our man Max von Syndow, playing
the exo®cist Father Me®®ill in William
Friedkin’s immo®(t)al movie take on William Peter Blatty’s novel of the same
name, before during and after Jason Miller’s Father Kari©k goes on and on and
on about how many devils are after occupying Linda Blair’s Regan McNeil at
various times in that movie, when of course there is only / one, ©aptain Howdy,
dismissed Father Ka®i©k better and apropos /the same, ‘only / one’ – and even
though Abigail is too
a©tion-pa©ked to videe again at the ©ineplex any time / soon, even at 90
minutes, it’s a fantasti© ente®tainement of a film, and we’ll be after audeeing
it again soon enough as an audio book, innit the Vene®able Goat of Mendez, or even videeing it on
Hollyweird Suite, inch allah, innit allah (hooky please, -id.), ©aptain Howdy
is all / we gots.
Thank you for reading (t)his Take This Thing Back to
Balti-memoi®es and Abigail
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