2016-07-28 ‘What / law ?’

 

2016-07-28 ‘What / law ?’         

 

From Die Hard to Deliverance, there may be only six sto®ies, innit perfesser, as Cin’s fellow-reviewer hulk-smashed it better, but these two blo©kbusters – or ©ockbusters in Deliverance’s case (that’s enough -id.) – surely borrow from several / at once, borrowing from several / at once is all / we gots.

 

What it is of course is that your men the bou®geois ©ubicombs and p®ofessional building wageslaves and office d®ones try to conquer Mothe® Nature and her d®oogies the local hillbillies of Tennessee, and guess / who wins, guessing / who wins is all / we gots.

 

‘What’ Burt Reynold’s token Good Ol’ ©ountry Boy Lewis in the movie akses it better of his three bou®geois fellow-adventurers, before during and after they become his fellow-(b) / (s) / (m) / (mis) adventurers, and when the hillbillies introduce one of their number to unwanted anal / ®ex (hooker please, -id.) because squeal like a pig, and the four are forced to make a g®oup decision as to what to do next before during and after Lewis bow-and-arrows one of the sodomite hillbillies / dead as we do, and one of the three bou®geois campers insist that they mustn’t break / the law, whatever else / they might do, ‘law?’, anal / ®ex is all / we gots.

 

Good times, aksing what / law is all / we gots,’there are all kinds’ one of the mo©k ‘conjunction junction what’s / your function’ cartoon educational guys (little help ? School House ®ock?) sings it better during The Simpsons parody of the same about the U.S. Constitution, ‘of c®azy / laws’, all kinds of c®azy laws is all /we gots, ‘I don’t know country we’re in’, Cin said it better to a friend and team-mate before during and after the ‘legal’ ho®®o® part of the t®oubles and before during and after ®egime ze®o when he was at sixes and sevens and all kinds / of discombobulated, ‘or what / cintury’, though of course it was ‘century’, not knowing what country or what cintury or what century we’re in is all / we gots.

 

 Cintermission

 

And (as) if you were wondering, the music playing on the splash s©reen of Deliverance – like all DVDs in the cindominium pe®manent ©ollection, and yes, this one stays, pe®manently, this film’s DVD splashs©reen has doubled as the cindominium wo®kday soundtrack during the countless hours and days and weeks and years and de©ades during which Cin has been after playing the wageslave and office d®one and your men the cats Janis Joplin and the Holding ©ompany forced to audee the endless soundt®ack hoops / and hollers – is ‘Dueling Banjos’, , and it’s opening twang sho®thand the wo®ld over whenever hillbilly depravity and depravity for that matter of any and all manner is cinvoked, squealing like / a pig is all we gots.

 

‘Ever since I was a kid’ your man the ©rooked ma®iner – and (y)our man Cin’s look-alike and brother from another (s)mother (hooker please, -id.) - says it better now in Dead Calm, ‘I thought salmon was / for cats’, innit you little monsters, by way of mansplaining the source of the botulism that kilt / his fellow sailors on his boat The Odyssey (?) as we do, ‘it was’ your man Death in the episode of the same name says it better and for the same reason in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life, ‘the salmon / mousse’.

 

What it is is that after his p®ostitot bride played by Nicole Kidman and their p®ecocious child are in a vehicular accident after their p®ecocious child undoes his car seat’s seatbelt– Cin kids / you not – and distracts his mother and both go through / the windshield as we do and the child / is kilt, the ©rusty Aussie Navy sea ©aptain played by Sam Neill and his much-younger b®ide set sail for calm waters, only to find dead / ©alm, setting sail for calm waters, only to find dead / ©alm is all / we gots. 

 

 Entire film other than the scene of the kid unbuckling his carseat seatbelt is filmed onboard one of the two sailing boats, the first belonging to the ©rusty sea ©aptain, the second belonging to your man the ©rooked mariner, who it turns out made up the bit about the salmon mousse, and much else besides, turns out the Odyssey was turned into a po®n boat for a while as we do and with the video tapes to prove it, before your man the ©rooked mariner, played by your man Billy Zane, for whom (y)our man Cin’s creator has been mistaken - and more / than once, and once scarily mistaken for, and Cin doesn’t scarily / easy – kilt his boatmates and the boatswain (oh please hooker -id.)  / to boot, scarily / easy is all we gots.

 

Good times, one of the good times about videeing movies of all stripes is that you get to videe the actors on ©elluloid when they were younger and fitter and hotter, just as you once were younger and fitter and hotter.  And Nicole Kidman, in her big-screen debut – before Tom and Scientology, before the Osca®, before the second marriage to the country singer – as a twenty-something Navy si®en in this movie makes every man with a pulse want to sail away / with her as we do, once younger and fitter and hotter is all / we gots.   

 

Dialogue is risible and the nautical shenanigans, what with the ©rusty Navy ©aptain managing to catch his own boat by sailing the Odyssey as his wife doubles back on the open sea, seem unlikely – though less risible and unlikely and cinfuriariting than Jason Bourne, this Thi®stday’s earlier-in-the-evening cindidate for review of this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and risible dialogue (what / dialogue ? -id.), from which Cin had to GTFO on principle – but still the actors are (cin)credible in Dead Calm, and the narrative action-packed, actors (cin)credible and the narrative action-packed is all / we gots.

 

‘I know guys on c®ack’ one of Mike Myers’ Austin Powers’ d®oogies says it better in the film of the same name to your man Dr. Evil, also played by Myers, ‘that makes more sense / than you’, and the narratives of the Bourne films are so nonsensical and cinsulting now to any viewer with a pulse and / or EKG that the films leave us with no option other than to GTFO, films leaving us with no option other than to GTFO is all / we gots.

 

Unless of course you’re after videeing the same in the comfort of your own / home, in which case you can sort-of justify those two hours of your life that you’ll never get back by hulk-smashing and hulk-smashing away at this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and two hours of your life that you’ll never get back, sort-of justifying those two hours of your life that you’ll never get back by hulks-mashing and hulk-smashing away at this Take This Thing Back to Baltimore me-moirs and two hours of your life that you’ll never get back is all / we gots, The End. 

 

Thank you for reading (t)his Take This Thing Back to Balti-memoirs and Days of Thunder